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February 12th, 2010
09:39 pm - one last dance
5 years ago, my future and identity was inextricably forged with the mighty name of the law firm. now i'm just who i am.
so today is my last day in munich and in the office. it's funny, i never expected to receive hugs from ANYONE in the office, but i did. as well as chocolate and two books on munich. i spent hours on the phone saying goodbye to various ultra cool people within the network, and thanking everyone with whom i have worked with, had lunch with the other trainees. i grieved leaving my desk, turning off the lights, and handing in my access card. at the last minute, i asked, actually, could i keep it? (and i couldn't.)
a stone falling away from my heart. my purple bicycle is now in storage at a friend's place. thank goodness, i thought i might have to leave the little one unlocked on the street. bicycles are like friends, and i have already lost 2.
i went to a capoeira class for one last dance, to say goodbye to the master who bettered my game. it was a familiar place with familiar people. "where have you been? you've been lazy," said one of them to me with a nod, before we started our moves. i took the train home with a fellow capoeirista, a tiny japanese girl from osaka, and she asked where David studied.
"HfbK", i said.
"H?"
"Hoch........"
"Hoch?"
"yeah, Hochfachschule fuer bildende Kunst, that's what it means."
"Are you sure?" she demanded
"Errr, it sounds good doesn't it?"
The quiet serious girl burst into peals of laughter, showing her crooked tooth. She gave me a hug as well before I got out of the train.
another goodbye to be said at the Vietnamese eatery which i always go to for a last bowl of chicken noodles. "it's my last day in Munich," i announce. the tiny cheerful waitress was dismayed, "i hope we will meet again, you know i'm here, and we are open." the three chopping cutting busy vietnamese women said, get married soon so you can come back here go germany! and i got another hug on the way out.
so, that was it, quite unspectacular, i said goodbye literally to everyone i know in munich, and i guess it's now time to go.
(but not before grieving the most wonderful apartment that i have had in my life so far, and getting down to packing, god i need a cigarette.)
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February 11th, 2010
08:27 am - I can't wait to go to work
do my daily routine -- you know, cycle to work, get a latte macchiato from the coffee machine turned friend, and while the milk, coffee and foam are tumbling into the cup play mini-golf for 2 minutes, wave hello to the mailroom man, walk up one flight of stairs, switch on the computer, change my shoes, get some water, and read my emails.
because if i had to otherwise THINK....oh god. i have 2 days to go before i will leave the heavily snowing munich for tropical singapore. i looked for traces of david's footsteps in the snow on the way back home. none that i recognised.
please give me strength to get on that plane to singapore, not do anything rash like fucking it all and buying a ticket to hamburg, and living on nothing other than love.
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December 2nd, 2009
02:24 am - Seeing the romantic.
There has to be something romantic about being the last one in the office, getting emails from waking Asia, and then knocking off work at 2 in the morning, and cycling back home in the rain and stopping to look at the what must be the Crush mid-week equivalent student party in full swing.
Nice -- a last ditch shot of hooking up with someone before those long winter nights and the Christmas cheer get to you. Did I envy the young and footloose? Maybe but probably not. Did the young and footloose envy me? Maybe but probably not.
There has to be something romantic about then getting home, warming up last night's leftovers, and eating out of the pan in the dark.
At times when my resolve crumbles to get out of law, I think of drinking a large macchiato on a wooden table in my high ceilinged Berlin apartment and reading the German papers. David is somewhere around doing his thing.
The deadline to apply to stay on in the firm came and went. I was too busy drafting a contract to realise. And when I did, I summoned forth my foaming white macchiato image. It's not a lot, but it keeps me going.
Other than the fact that a hated colleague admitted that I was 'damn good' (verdammt gut were her exact words), and way my supervisor lighted up when I correctly identified a loan as a PIK loan. It was, as lawyers say, a meeting of minds. There has to be something romantic about that. But I have to live for more than scraps of recognition.
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October 27th, 2009
10:37 pm - You stinking little motherfucker.
It's 8.30pm, and I wonder, hey, what's going on with this deal that I'm meant to be on but haven't heard anything about? I trot over to the lawyer in charge.
I ask you who are the lawyers on the other side. You "don't" know.
I ask you if I should circulate an email to the Borrower. Why not, you shrug with a smile, it's your deal.
I ask you if you have received any documents from the parties since I haven't been copied in on anything. No you haven't because it's my job to receive the documents (and your job is to look smug?).
All this while, sitting in your inbox is precious information that you didn't forward on to me or even bother copying me in on the documents that you circulated around.
Then you apologise later for saying, oh you thought that I had 1.5 years of experience doing this already.
I haven't. It's my first time thank you very much -- I don't know my butt from my face. No guidance whatsoever, and you leave me to mess it all up, you snotty little bitch.
And ANYWAY even if I had done this 1001 times (for every single fucking Arabian night), when I ask you who the lawyers are on the other side, YOU CHECK AND LET ME KNOW ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SIGNING IS IN 2 DAYS.
Disappointing that you're not smart enough to know that it's not in either of our interest to fuck up this multi-million dollar deal. If I hadn't asked you these questions, the shit would have hit the fan, and you would have let me take the responsibility for it.
Fucker.
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October 5th, 2009
08:26 pm - So this is how it is.
All these women going on about 'Me' time. And here I am experiencing it, absolutely, irrevocably.
I could spend all day at the art museum down the road, try out all the recipes in a cookbook, go to every single capoeira class, write, listen to my sappy music, cartwheel around my living room naked, fall asleep in front of the tele, and read in the bath in the evenings.
No one to judge, control or pity me, it's absolute freedom! Sad moments are truly mine and moments of quiet exultation when I see something inspiring is the little person in me jumping and responding -- not partaking in anyone else's reaction.
I'm venturing out of my apartment cautiously and exploring the area. I now know where the baker is. Where the supermarket is. Where a hot bowl of noodle soup can be found.
At the office, the dark polished wooden floors are a simple joy. No more nasty English carpets. I roll tentatively from table to bookshelf when no one is there. They have an expresso machine, no more nasty instant coffee from the machine. I realise there's no nasty florescent lights. I search around but actually, isn't sunlight a great idea? I walk to the toilets and I secretly smile at the artwork which make my heart beat just a little faster -- yes, I'm here where I want to be!
I cycle. To work. It's free, healthy, and this is a vast improvement from the commute on the TUBERCOLOSIS TUBE.
I'm now fully responsible for my happiness and for my life. There's no stress to be out there. There's no stress to be in here. I listen to what I want and I do it.
This is equilibrium. But then again, I can't wait to stop existing for myself, and quiver with anticipation for the day that David comes by to visit. Freedom is completely meaningless! Or at least, a bit.
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August 12th, 2009
11:08 pm - cheated
You tried telling me today about how beautiful East Coast was at night. And asked if I'd said goodbye to London yet. I doodled a Dinkey on my compostable porridge cup which had two holes which I used as her nostrils.
I hadn't had any time to say goodbye to anyone. While Canary Wharf can be deep dark lonely place, today I giggled with a girlfriend sheltering from the pissing rain for a quick chat, and hugged my beloved Eraldo when I saw him at the canteen during dinner.
There has been no time to let people know that I'm going and that this would probably be the last that I would be seeing of them, and there's been no time for wrapping things up. All that lingers is a deep sense of dissatisfaction and a foreboding that everything is just a fiction that I've bought into.
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August 3rd, 2009
11:05 pm - Responsibility
I don't know what happened - I'd just been organising the document management for this deal so far, and doing little law, and suddenly tonight I had to review the freaking legal opinion which meant plowing through the memorandum of understanding, the articles of association and 6 board minutes.
I faffed around for 2 almost 3 hours trying to get the damned thing done till late at night, but instead wasted my time listening to Everly Brother and the Carpenters oldies. Now I'm at home, none the wiser and tired like hell.
I really really like my boss, but doesn't she know that I'M OUT OF HERE? I'm moving fucking COUNTRY in TWO WEEKS. Now is NOT the time to be stepping up my responsibility levels -- give it to the damned-to-hell newly qualified lawyers. They have drafted the documents, are invested in their career, while I have to start from square one and I don't care. They are paid to work late, I'm NOT.
My boss laughed at when I told her what I did over the weekend. I had packed up all my stuff. Somehow she found that hilarious -- "You're just waiting to get out of here!!!" she said. She's a smart woman - she has to know I'm not staying. Or doesn't she?
While these thoughts spin through my head, I think -- perhaps I've just been too responsible so far. I guess no one will find out that I totally ditched that pro bono guy who asked for legal advice, while I nodded, noted and did absolutely nothing at all. Fuck all those people who try to manipulate and abuse the system. I'm not paying taxes for you to bring vexatious claims to court -- I believe in access to justice but not in accesss to justice to scum of the earth with large odious earlobes and hooded eyelids without any semblance of a proper claim. The joker wanted to sue his lawyers for negligence when they advised him that he had no claim. What a fat fuck of a loser.
Anyway that was me taking the law into my own hands. Fuck responsibility.
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July 31st, 2009
09:20 pm - Germany here I come!
Our shares were admitted into trading on the stock exchange today -- all these ridiculous late nights had boiled down to this moment.
As if to say, "your life will now be changed for the better", I received a call from HR saying that I would be posted to Germany next month.
The deal had successfully closed, with a good performance from all of us, and now, a new country and a new apartment! I almost blurted out to my supervisor, "If my boyfriend proposed right now, life would be perfect!!!" Then I choked it back, because it wasn't true. To be courting is actually fun, there's no need to take things so seriously. Life is a JOKE after all!
And when my posting to Germany is over, I will venture out into the real world where the power and backing of a big city law firm doesn't exist. Where my status will sink to that of a nobody, and I will start enjoying life exactly the way I like it. None of that posh clubs and fancy bars nonsense -- but good music, good food, good books and good company on the cheap, and lots of dancing. A bottle of red wine on the beach. A David-made sandwich along the canal. The joy of sneaking in a train ride for free. Trying out a new cheese from the supermarket.
In the meantime, I'm steeling myself for a lean mean female German boss. But as I say, "I have enough experience with such women. Bring all on the psycho crazy bitches from hell!!!!!!"
(I don't mean that -- I'm actually sick of fucking neurotic people.)
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July 30th, 2009
02:25 am - On the edge
Through the haze of lost perspective and filmy tears, I saw David gathering my stuff toys round me, hoping that they would work their magic on me, and it did.
He hugged me as I fell into an exhausted sleep, and the world was alright again for 2 hours, but he stole away in the middle of the night, and I was alone again.
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July 21st, 2009
10:37 pm - Crestfallen
Erm. Ok. It's alright, it's not alright, it's alright. Could someone please put me to bed now. Open one window, put the fan on rotation, lowest speed, pass me my bolster, and tuck the blanket right up to my chin. And please wait for me to go to sleep first, before closing the door silently and cycling home.
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